why sam winchester is better than you (and always will be)
I’m going to start out by saying that this will probably be all over the place and ridiculously long. Even after I edit it. The reason for this is because the feelings I have for Sam Winchester can most accurately be described as to how a mother grizzly bear feels about her cubs when they are in danger. My brain is able to say that he is only fictional, but my heart somehow hasn’t gotten the memo yet. So I apologise in advance for any inconsistencies or rants that occur because of this and I will applaud you if you manage to get through the entirety of it.
Also, because I feel so strongly, not all of this will be objective. This is more of what my point of view of Sam is. So some of that might be objective, but some of it might not. More importantly, this is not by any means all of my feelings about Sam Winchester. I have way too many feelings about individual scenes to fit them all into this analysis. This is just a lot of them.
Personally, I believe that Sam Winchester is one of the most admirable characters in all of fiction. He has overcome so much (more than most give him credit for) and he has acted more courageously than any human being should ever have to. It physically pains me whenever people tear him down and let’s face it – it happens quite often. When I first got the idea for this analysis, it was because an anonymous questioner asked someone “what’s so special about Sam?”
Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Sam gets a lot of flak – both in the fandom and on the show itself – for leaving Dean and John and going to Stanford. The thing is, there is a reason for this. That reason is that the majority of the show occurs through Dean’s perspective so the audience is more likely to see things the way Dean sees them.
So let’s reverse that. Let’s see things from Sam’s point of view.
Sam has always felt out of place in the world – like he didn’t belong. No matter where he went, he saw people who had normal lives. He saw people who were happy and relatively safe. And he was told over and over again that he could never have that. That he could never be that. But he wanted it. He wanted to be normal and he wanted to have a life that was more than just hunting monsters.
Because of that, he felt alienated from his own family. He felt like he didn’t belong in his own family. He only ever wanted to have something normal. But we know that it was met with resistance. We know that John and Dean never understood how he could want to be normal. We know that he was condemned for that desire (and don’t give me any crap about how this isn’t true – how many jokes did Dean make in Season One about Sam being “rusty” or being a “college boy?”).
Can you imagine how that must have been? How lonely he would have felt? Is it really any surprise that he grew to resent John?
And yet, despite all of that, Sam still loves his family. He still loves them more than anything. And the thing about Sam? He doesn’t often think about himself. He’s usually thinking about others or what’s best for someone else.
This ties into why I believe Sam resented John. Because in Season One, the thing that Sam and Dean fight about the most is how Dean follows orders blindly and Sam doesn’t. Do you think this argument was new? I doubt it. Not with the kind of history they had.
Sam resisted John’s orders because he wanted to be his own person. And he wanted Dean to be his own person too. Sam wanted independence because that was what normal people had. Normal kids didn’t have to follow orders. Sam would have hated that Dean felt like he had to blindly follow orders. He would have thought, “Dean could be his own person if we were a normal family. We could do whatever we wanted when we got older if we were a normal family. We wouldn’t have to risk our lives to seek revenge and hunt monsters if we were a normal family.”
The fight between John and Sam about Stanford was bound to happen. There was no way it couldn’t happen. Not with Sam’s independence and John’s stubbornness.
A lot of people see Sam leaving for California as a selfish action (they even say this on the show multiple times). Maybe that’s true. But does that mean he should be condemned for it? Is it really a surprise? I mean, Sam was never given the chance to be selfish. Not outside of Flagstaff. That is the one time Sam could do whatever he wanted for himself. Every other occasion of his eighteen years were spent thinking about keeping innocent people safe or what would happen to John and Dean if he just ran away.
And we saw from Amy that Sam did stay when it really counted. When he knew that Dean and John needed him, he stayed. It would have been easy for him to run away with Amy. But he stayed.
Sam only leaves when Dean is old enough to be John’s partner in hunting. When he knows that Dean and John don’t need him anymore and when he knows that he can live without having to rely on John.
But it comes at a cost. Because John tells him “don’t you ever come back.” Sometimes, I don’t think people understand what this really meant. They brush it off because we see what happens after that. We see that Sam does see John and Dean again.
But imagine that you are Sam. Imagine you’re all of eighteen or nineteen (the show isn’t clear on how old he was when he left, to my knowledge) and wanting to be on your own. And then your father says that to you. He was telling Sam that he was no longer part of his own family. He was telling Sam what he’d always felt – that he didn’t belong.
And was it really selfish of Sam to go? Because leaving was what was best for Sam. He needed to find out for himself where he belonged. He had always felt like an outcast no matter where he went. There is no way Sam could have come to terms with hunting if he hadn’t left for Stanford.
It’s no surprise that Sam walked out the door. What’s surprising to me is that John let him. Because Sam was just a kid. A smart kid, an independent kid, but just a kid. John was an adult. No matter the reasons, he was a father and it was his responsibility to do what was best for his children. He was supposed to want what was best for his children. He should have seen that Sam needed to leave and was smart enough to take care of himself.
But he didn’t. And I don’t think people take that into account. I really think that most people blame Sam for leaving. I don’t think they see the blame isn’t solely on his shoulders.
And yes, I understand that John eventually regretted it. He confessed to wanting normal lives for both Sam and Dean. But it just doesn’t make up for all the years Sam felt feeling alone and like he didn’t belong. For the years when Sam had to live with no one but himself to rely upon.
I’m a college student and I can tell you how hard it had to have been for Sam to live on his own. He had a full ride, but does that cover food? Cost of books? A place to live during the winter and summer? I find that hard to believe.
Sam confessed to feeling like a freak even at Stanford. To still having that feeling that he didn’t belong. I think it was only with Jess that he started to really feel normal. I really think that Jess was the first time Sam seriously thought he had a chance to be something more than a hunter.
And then he starts to dream about her dying like his mother. And Dean drags him back into hunting. And he has to see Jess, the love of his freaking life, die and be completely unable to help her – all the while knowing that he could have at least warned her about the danger and told her what he knew about monsters.
So he goes back to hunting. That normal life was burned to the ground and Dean is there to catch him. Before he can even catch his breath, the dreams start being more than just dreams. He has to face the fear that he’s more of a freak than he ever could have imagined. Even being with Dean doesn’t stop that feeling of not belonging. Because Dean is normal. He’s not having psychic visions of people dying. He doesn’t have demons coming after his girlfriends.
And the whole time, Sam wants nothing more than to find his father. He wants nothing more than to work with John to find Azazel. He wants to do exactly what John has always wanted him to do.
Then they find John. And John tells them to go.
Think about what that must have felt like to Sam. His father wants him to hunt and he goes to Stanford and gets kicked out. He goes back to hunting and wants to work with his father and is told to go away. It just reinforces this idea that Sam is never going to get what he wants and that what he wants is never going to be the right thing.
Then, of course, they find the demon. And they have a chance – a real chance – to stop him.
And they fail. And they are confronted by the demon. Azazel possesses John with only one reason in mind – to give Sam even more things to worry about. Things like: why did it come after me and why didn’t it hurt me like it hurt Dad and Dean and what did it mean by special kids?
And the thing is, Sam has the chance to end it. A chance to kill the demon that took the possibility of a normal life away from him not once, but twice. He could have done it.
But Sam didn’t. He didn’t kill the demon because John was more important. Because family was more important than revenge.
Before Sam can process any of this, he has to worry about whether he will still have a family at the end of the day. He has to be faced with the fact that his brother is dying and his father still doesn’t understand what is now as clear to Sam as it has always been to Dean – that family always comes first. He has to watch his brother nearly die and worry about a reaper being after him and about what John is planning and then has to find his father dead.
To the viewer’s eyes, Sam takes John’s death better than Dean. But the reason behind this is not because he was feuding with John or because he loved John less – it was because Sam was more focused on Dean. He can see his brother is falling apart and Sam tries to take that burden. He can tell that something is bothering Dean and wants to help without even knowing what it is.
Sam always tries to be okay. He always tries to be okay so that Dean can be okay. Sam knows that Dean depends on him. He knows that if he showed how guilty he felt about John’s death, Dean would be in worse shape because he would be trying to help Sam. He knows that if Dean knew Sam felt like he should have tried harder with John and felt like he should have been better, Dean wouldn’t worry about his own grief. He would only focus on Sam.
So Sam shoulders his own guilt and tries to shoulder Dean’s too.
And then the bombshell comes. And it changes everything. Because he needs to be saved. And if he can’t be saved, he has to die.
Sam has to find out that his own father ordered his death. And is that what Sam focuses on? No, it isn’t.
Because Sam is selfless and is consumed with keeping others safe. He doesn’t focus on the fact that his father ordered Dean to kill him. He focuses on the fact that one day he might become a monster. He is so concerned with keeping others safe that he agrees with John. He makes himself believe, “One day I might turn into a monster. One day I might be one of the things we hunt. One day I might be one of the things that killed Mom and Jess.”
He even makes Dean promise to kill him if that happens. Because Sam trusts Dean. He trusts that Dean will take care of him and will make sure that he doesn’t hurt anyone.
And now I’m going to get specific because there are two episodes – that occur back to back – that our absolutely integral to Sam’s character. These episodes are Houses of the Holy and Born Under A Bad Sign.
Houses of the Holy is a ground-breaking episode for Sam’s character. It is the first time we see just how rare Sam really is. Because Sam has faith. And the way he talks about it? It leaves us with the impression that he has been praying since before Stanford. Which means he found faith before he had any semblance of normal and did it on his own.
And he still has faith. Even after everything he has seen. He still believes that there is good in the world and it’s why he stays with Dean. Because he believes that the good is worth fighting for. He believes that if he can do enough good, maybe it will stop him from becoming one of the things they hunt. Maybe it will be enough to save him.
And then two things happen. First, his faith is almost completely broken down because he realises it was just a ghost and not an angel. Second, Dean is telling him that he’s right and that he should have faith.
Then Born Under A Bad Sign happens.
Now, I have a few things to say about this episode before I get into details. A lot of people might argue that this has nothing to do with Sam since he was possessed. But personally, I believe that in the first half of the episode we really did have Sam. Until Dean made it clear that he wouldn’t kill his brother, Sam was at the wheel.
The reason I believe this is because there’s no way Meg could have faked Sam’s emotions. Sam is horrified at what he’s done. He wants Dean to kill him even though they don’t know what happened. He wants to admit at the end of the episode that he is responsible for the hunter dying. And we have evidence that demons can let their hosts take control. Who’s to say Meg didn’t let Sam take the reins for a while?
So just go with me on this and assume Sam was behind the wheel for the first part of the episode. Sam wakes up in the middle of the nowhere and covered in blood. He doesn’t remember anything and when Dean shows up he finds out he’s been gone for a week. Sam knows that something bad happened and he sees himself killing a man. A good man.
Dean is always the one that is attributed to having a guilt complex the size of Texas, but Sam is exactly the same way. He wants nothing more than to help people. To know that he’s responsible for hurting someone? Especially a hunter? That’s practically unforgiveable to Sam.
And the hits just keep coming. Because Sam meets Madison and really lets himself love again for the first time (I’m not counting Sarah in this, not because I think Sam didn’t care about her, but because Sam was determined not to care about her) since Jess. Then he finds out he has to kill her. He finds out that she is a monster against her will and has to be killed because she can’t be saved.
That would have struck a chord with him, don’t you think?
Then, of course, we get to All Hell Breaks Loose. And Sam discovers his worst fear is confirmed – that Mary really did die because of him. And he finds out that he really is capable of turning into a monster because a demon bled into his mouth. He finds out that he really does need to be saved as he watches good people turn to killing or are killed.
And he’s forced to fight too. And he has the chance to turn down the same path Ava and Jake have. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t do what Azazel wants. Sam Winchester has always believed that he was a freak. For an entire season, we were shown how he believed he could turn into a monster.
But Sam has never wanted that. So it doesn’t happen.
And then he sees Dean and everything is okay. Because Dean is right there. Dean is going to make sure that everything turns out okay because he’s Dean and because he’s right there.
Then Jake stabs him. And he dies in his brother’s arms.
But here’s the thing about that scene – none of us really think about what Sam was thinking. Because we are all as horrified as Dean so we can’t possibly think about it. But you know what? Sam probably didn’t think it was a bad way to go. Because he didn’t do what he was supposed to do. He died doing the exact opposite of what Azazel and Gordon and John thought would happen. They all thought that Sam needed to be killed to protect others or saved from that fate. No one ever thought Sam could choose the right path on his own.
But he did. He had a choice. He could have killed Jake. It would have been easy and Sam could have rationalised it. He could have said, “he’s trying to kill me,” or “he’s not human anymore.” But he didn’t. He let Jake live despite every reason against it because Sam has always seen the humanity in people. Sam has proved time and time again that the most important thing to him (aside from family) is not hurting anyone. Sam would rather die than know he was responsible for hurting someone.
I really believe that even if Sam had known what would happen in that choice, he would make the same decision. If he knew that he would die by saving Jake, I really think that he would still choose to spare Jake’s life. Because Jake hadn’t gone dark side yet. He was fighting to survive and going about it the wrong way and had no idea how to deal with the supernatural. He didn’t know what Sam knew and Sam understood that.
Sam didn’t kill Jake until Jake started using his powers to hurt people. The only reason he killed Jake was because he was protecting others by doing it. And I think back in Cold Oak he would have made the same decision because that’s what defines him. He can’t hurt someone unless they are really doing damage (and no, Sam doesn’t really count himself as damage).
The worst part about Sam’s death, for Sam, is when he finds out that he’s only alive because Dean made a deal. And it’s not really because Dean is going to die. Because at that point, Sam is sure that he’ll be able to find a way to save him. No, the reason he is so upset is because he doesn’t believe he’s worth it. Sam hates that Dean traded his life for Sam’s. He hates it because Sam still believes he’s a freak and something that isn’t quite human. He has always (and probably will always) believe that Dean is better than him.
So he makes it his mission to find a way to save Dean. He reads everything he can get his hands on about demonic deals. I mean, hell. He’s even reading Doctor Faustus at one point. A piece of literary fiction. And he’s reading it on the off chance that there might be something that will help him save his brother.
There are two episodes, in my opinion, that really bring Sam’s desperation to light. A Very Supernatural Christmas and Mystery Spot. In the Christmas episodes, we see just how beaten down Sam feels. It’s the first time we see him really admitting that Dean might die. He feels completely hopeless. Nothing is working. He can’t find anything to help his brother. And he sees how his worry weighs on Dean. And Sam – oh Sam. He does something completely and utterly selfless. He gives Dean that last Christmas. Even though he has to sit there and smile and know, “a year from now Dean won’t be here,” he gives that Christmas to Dean. Because Dean asked him for it.
So Sam gave it to him. Because that’s just who Sam is. Yes, a part of him is always going to be the rebellious, independent teenager. But at the core, he is always more concerned about others. He is always putting someone else first.
Then Mystery Spot comes along. We see a side of Sam that we’ve never really seen before. Throughout this episode, we Sam pushed to the very edge of sanity and reason. I wish I had a word that was more powerful than desperate because the way Sam acts in his desire to save Dean? It’s more than just desperate. It’s…it’s not a choice. He has to save Dean. He can’t accept any other option.
This episode (which I admit I have a bias to) is a perfect picture of Sam’s character. Because of all the little things that tell us about Sam. Think about it: all those Tuesdays. All those countless Tuesdays. He didn’t have to tell Dean what was going on. He could have gone through everyday protecting Dean without Dean ever being the wiser. He could have brushed off the weirdness and Dean would have let him.
But he did tell Dean. Because he needed him. Because he needed his brother’s help. So many people accuse Sam of not caring about Dean as much as Dean cares about him. But I call bullshit. Because this episode proves otherwise.
In this episode, we get our first glimpse of what Sam will be like when Dean is gone and it’s haunting. It is startlingly reminiscent of John. His weapons are organised exactly the same way and he hunts for the Trickster with the same obsession that John searched for Azazel. He still orders Dean’s dinner every night – holding onto his brother in a way that I really believe John must have held onto Mary.
But when he finally catches the Trickster? He’s no longer Sam, the hunter – spitting image of John Winchester. He’s just Sammy. Dean’s little brother. A little brother that needs his brother back. Sam has spent months looking for the Trickster. We don’t know how many exactly, but we know it’s at least six. After all that, what does Sam do?
He begs. He begs what he believes is a monster just so he can get his brother back. He doesn’t threaten anything – he only begs.
And he gets Dean back. But he doesn’t tell him about that Wednesday. Because seeing himself on that Wednesday that lasted at least six months? I have to think he hated himself. Because he always hated what John made their lives like. He always hated how John’s life revolved around revenge. For Sam to see himself become that? I really doubt he would ever want Dean to see him that.
And I don’t think Dean ever knew. I still don’t think he knows. Because we do get at least a glimpse of how that changed Sam and we see how horrified Dean is at the change. In Jus In Bello, we see that Sam doesn’t argue with Ruby’s plan to kill an innocent girl. The Sam before Mystery Spot would never have considered sacrificing one innocent life – not even for the greater good.
But after Mystery Spot? He’s still stuck in that mind-set he had during those six months. The I have to look at the bigger picture. So he doesn’t really see Nancy. He sees the hundreds of townspeople that could die being possessed by demons. He’s stuck in between Sam the hunter and Dean’s Sammy. He still wants to help people, but he can’t help but remember those months. Those months without his brother.
This entire season? This year where Sam has to live with the fact that if he doesn’t find a way to save him, Dean will die? That feeling of utter helplessness and guilt that his brother’s life is completely resting on his shoulders? That is what leads to Ruby. Because Ruby started tricking him even back then. She promised him she could help save Dean and, because Sam was desperate, he believed her. At least a part of him did. Because Ruby was different. She had a weapon that actually killed demons. She was more human than any other demon he had encountered. All of this? It’s the groundwork for what happens while Dean is in hell and after he comes back.
Then the day comes. The year is up. And Sam is so desperate. He wants more than anything for there to be a way to save Dean. He’s willing to deal with a demon – even knowing she can’t be trusted anymore. He is willing to sacrifice himself and become a freak to help his brother. Because Sam knows what using his powers means. He knows that it means he’ll twist himself into something that isn’t human.
But he is completely willing to sacrifice himself for Dean. He is completely willing to face his greatest fear if it means that his brother will live.
But Dean won’t let him. Because it’s Dean and of course he won’t let him. And it’s all for nothing. He can’t save Dean. He has to watch as Dean is literally ripped apart. He has to face Bobby. He has to bury his brother’s body.
Can you imagine what that must have been like? Can you imagine what must have gone through his head? To know that he was the only one left. That he had outlived everyone. His mother. His father. His brother. He was the only one left. They were all dead because of him. Mary died in his nursery because she walked in on the demon that was after him. John died to save Dean so that he could save Sam. Dean died so that Sam would live.
Is it any surprise that he went to crossroads and tried to make deals? No. It isn’t. After all, that seems to be the Winchester way. What is always so striking to me is how Sam doesn’t care what happens to him. He believes he belongs in hell. He honestly believes that he should be in Dean’s place.
But none of the demons will deal. None of them will give him the chance to save his brother.
Then Ruby comes along. And Ruby is different. Even from before. She tries to stop him from being stupid and reckless. She tries to comfort him. She finds a suitable host that won’t hurt a person because he told her to.
And she promises him a way to kill Lilith. She gives him hope that there’s a chance. A chance to take out the thing that killed his brother. A chance to stop anyone else from dying.
So he takes it. He takes it and he knows what he’s doing. He knows that it’s wrong. He knows that it’s changing him and twisting him and turning him into something wrong.
But he holds on to the fact that he’s doing it for the right reasons. He’s doing it to protect people. He might be doing something wrong, but he’s doing it so he can do one last good.
And then Dean is back. He is completely and inexplicably back and Sam can’t believe it. He won’t let himself believe it because it’s everything he’s wanted being handed back to him free of charge. It isn’t until Bobby assures him of the truth that he realises it really is Dean. It really is his brother.
But just because Dean is back, Sam knows Lilith still has to die. So often, the show tries to play off everything he does as revenge. And I just don’t buy it. Sure, Sam never says it, but do you really think going after Lilith was just because she killed Dean? That’s not who Sam is. Yes, part of it was revenge. Sam’s only human and Lilith was responsible for his brother being tortured and broken. But that’s not the only reason.
Sam is a hunter. He might not be like John or Dean, but he’s still a hunter. He knows that something like Lilith can’t be left alone. She has to die or she’ll keep going and keep killing and keep hurting innocent people. But he still questions it. Now that Dean’s back, he can take a step back and say “is this really worth it?”
Because Dean is what tempers Sam. Sam gets obsessed. He gets what we generally call tunnel-vision. He focuses on something with a single-minded purpose. It’s happened before. But when Dean is there? He’s always there to give Sam a metaphorical (sometimes literal) smack across the head.
It’s different when Dean gets back from hell, though. Because he just got back from hell. For the first time, he has nightmares and demons that consume him as much as Sam’s have always consumed him. Dean has not only Sam to worry about, but the Apocalypse. It’s not like before. Sam can’t be his sole focus and he can’t force Sam to tell him the truth.
And that? It only gives Sam another reason to kill Lilith. Because now she’s trying to start the Apocalypse. Even as faithful as Sam has always been, the angels are nothing like he imagined. He always knew they were soldiers, but he never imagined they would be so callous.
He never imagined that to angels of the Lord he would only be the boy with the demon blood.
That right there? It’s just another place Sam doesn’t belong. Sam’s faith was always the one thing he had to make him feel like a part of something. Even if he didn’t go to church, he knew that others still believed like he did. He could belong with them.
But even the angels push him away.
Do you really think that is something Sam would be able to recover from quickly? His entire system of faith was completely ripped away from him. Because the angels didn’t care about him. They threatened him and wanted to hurt innocent people. They aren’t doing anything to stop the seals or Lilith.
And Sam is stuck in the middle again. He’s stuck between the Sam that wants to protect people (and will do everything in his power to accomplish this) and the Sam that wants to trust Dean and his judgement. We see how conflicted Sam is. We know that, for a time, he wasn’t drinking demon blood. And he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know whether he should keep listening to Ruby or if he should find another way. He just doesn’t know.
Eventually he makes the choice that is just so quintessentially Sam. He decides to put others first. He tells himself that he doesn’t matter. That it doesn’t matter if he twists himself into being a freak and a monster if he can stop Lilith. Because other people will be safe. Dean will be safe. Because if Sam can stop Lilith than Dean doesn’t have to.
So Sam keeps drinking demon blood and some part of him realises that he’s addicted to it. Some part of him still knows that it’s just wrong and that it will eventually blow up in his face. He knows it when Anna looks at him and says he’s different. He knows it when Castiel looks at him after he kills Alistair. He knows it when Dean looks at him after he kills demons. He knows that everything will backfire.
But he still believes that even though it’s wrong, he can still use it to do good.
So many people condemn Sam for what happens with Ruby, but they just don’t get it. Because Sam didn’t wake up one morning and decide that drinking demon blood was the way to go. Ruby had to talk him into it. Don’t you remember the episode with the magicians? Ruby had to talk him into going back. It’s something that he struggles with.
And ultimately? Sam makes the decision to drink demon blood because he believes he has to do whatever he can to help others. Because Sam was telling the truth when he said, “I’m not drinking demon blood for kicks.” Because he wasn’t. He wasn’t doing it because he wanted to. Yes, it turned into an addiction. But he was drinking demon blood (which, to Sam, would basically be accepting that he lost any chance of being saved ever again despite any good he could do) to help others.
He sacrificed himself to try to save other people.
Even at the very end, we see that he struggles with his decisions. Look at When the Levee Breaks. Sam is still struggling. Should he keep doing what he knows is wrong even though it’s for a good reason? Or is Dean right and he should stop before it gets any worse?
For God’s sake, he has hallucinations that both try to convince him to stop and continue. Even trapped in the panic room and inches away from being able to achieve his goal, he is still struggling to make the right choice. He still isn’t sure if he’s made the right choice.
He sits through hallucinations of his younger self – a younger self that is still so worried about being a freak – and his mother. But is that his breaking point? Are those the things that finally make him choose which path he should take?
No.
His breaking point is a hallucination of his brother calling him a monster.
Sam has no idea that at that very moment, Dean is defending him and trying to protect him. It isn’t until the hallucination ends that he realises it wasn’t Dean. When he hears his brother call him a monster, he really believes it’s Dean.
This scene says so much about Sam and about his mind. Because halluci-Dean? He says all of the things Sam hates and fears about himself the most. The hallucination is telling him all of the things that he never wants to hear and are so terrified are true. And he has to hear it from his brother’s mouth. The brother he has looked up to for his entire life. The brother that he has always had faith in. The brother that promised him he would always keep him safe.
The entire season, Sam has been afraid that Dean will shun him the moment he finds out about the demon blood. When you look at this scene, Sam is angry. He is furious and still trying to defend himself. Until one crucial moment.
Until the hallucination of Dean says, “You are nothing to me.” And that is when Sam goes from angry to despairing in an instant. He says, “Don’t you say that to me. Not you.”
And that? That is the thing that just breaks my heart. Because Sam can live with hating himself. He can live with thinking that he is dark and twisted and on the very verge of evil. But for Dean to believe that? For Dean to want to be rid of him?
Sam can’t deal with it. He just can’t.
So Sam walks away. Because even though Sam always seems to be better at dealing with his emotions than Dean, when it comes to Dean he has a massive blind spot. He cannot handle the thought of Dean cutting him out. To have the hallucination give him a taste of that? It must have been unbearable. So he runs before it can really happen.
Then we come to the scene. You know which one I’m talking about. You know, the one that rips you apart from the inside out? Pretty much the one and only time we ever see Sam and Dean really go at it? When they’re not just throwing a few punches? When they are throwing each other into mirrors and through railings and it is vicious and you hurt when they hurt?
Yeah. That one.
Dean tries to talk to Sam. But neither can get through to the other. They are both so stubborn and Sam is so determined to do what he thinks is right now. He won’t let Dean talk him out of it.
And they fight. And it is vicious and painful. And then Dean says it. He says exactly what John said to Dean. Sam can only sneer because at this point? He really is high on demon blood and he is using that high to let his anger run rampant and block out everything else.
We see in the next episode that both are regretful immediately. Bobby has to knock Dean around a little bit, but he eventually shows that he is regretful. But Sam is the really interesting one in this situation. Because he should be focused on killing Lilith. But now that he’s so close, he can only really think about Dean. Ruby has to keep pushing and pushing to convince Sam to do anything.
But he keeps going, keeps trying to do what he has to believe is right. Because it doesn’t matter anymore if he is right or not. He has to believe what he is doing is right because if not, then he’s wrong. His choice has to be right.
Because if it’s the wrong choice, then where does that leave Sam? How can he ever hope to make things up to Dean and Bobby if he was wrong? So he keeps going and keeps trying to convince himself that he’s making the right choice even as it gets harder and harder.
Then the voicemail comes. And let me tell you, this is the thing that never fails to break my heart. Because for Sam? This is it. This is the moment where he completely gives up. He doesn’t let himself think about after. He really believes that nothing can save him anymore. He is beyond hope even though he has always been the one with hope.
Thinking about Sam killing Cindy McClellan is painful for me. The first reason is probably the same for others – because Sam is killing an innocent person and it’s just so unlike Sam. The second is because I have to think about him actually doing it. I have to think about how he went through with it. He would have thought about the voicemail the entire time, thinking, “Dean’s right. He’s right. I’m a monster. I deserve to die.”
I know that’s what he was thinking. I just do. I know that hearing his brother telling him he was a monster killed him inside.
Sam has never wanted anything more than his brother’s approval. Ever. He has always wanted Dean to believe in him and believe in his choices. Always. It is so apparent in everything he does and how he has acted – even in flashbacks to their childhood.
The heart-breaking thing is that he rarely ever gets that. Because as much as Sam wants Dean’s approval, Dean wants to protect Sam and do what’s best for him. And those two things? They never mesh. They’re never the same. So Dean always feels like he’s failed somehow and Sam always feels like he’s aking the wrong choices.
The next we see of Sam is when he is facing off Lilith. At this point, Sam isn’t thinking about much of anything. He has so much demon blood in his system he is being driven by that power. He’s being driven by the need to kill Lilith and not thinking about the reasons.
Then he hears Dean. He hears Dean and for a moment he can be Sammy again. Because Dean is there and he is completely willing to turn away from Lilith, to turn away from all of it because his brother is right there.
But that’s not what Lilith wants. And Lilith is the most powerful of all demons and knows how to get what she wants. She says the absolutely perfect thing to make sure that Sam kills her.
“You made yourself into a freak.” A freak. That one word. The word that has followed Sam for his entire life. The one word that has hung over his head no matter how hard he tried to get rid of it. Is it any surprise that he followed through and killed her after that? Would any human being be able to resist that kind of goading?
When Sam kills Lilith, he is doing the impossible. We get so hung up on how he does it and what that means that we tend to forget just how incredible it is that he actually managed it. Because Lilith is the worst of the worst. Forget Alistair and Azazel – Lilith is the worst of all the demons. She is the most powerful and the hardest to kill. We forget that a lot because she was always behind the scenes or playing around with suburban families and Azazel was always so prevalent and Alistair was always so memorable. But Lilith was the first demon. And she is the worst of them all.
And Sam managed to kill her. He actually killed her. It’s incredible even if he had to go to the most extreme lengths and destroy himself in the process to do it.
Then Sam finds out the truth. That killing Lilith really was the wrong thing to do. He finds out that by killing her he set Lucifer free. First he is furious, but then. Then he just looks lost. Confused. Ruby explains everything and Sam can only sit there and look all of ten years old (only reinforced by the “Dumbo” reference).
Then Dean crashes in. He comes and Sam doesn’t hesitate to help him kill Ruby. Despite the fact that Sam no doubt has some feelings for her, despite the fact that Sam has no idea the voicemail was fake, despite the fact that Sam is more terrified than he has ever been Sam helps Dean. Sam reaches out to Dean.
It’s because of this that I am so amazed at Sam’s character. Because even though Sam was furious with Dean and even though he has a voicemail on his phone that has his brother calling him a vampire and saying he will hunt him down, Sam reaches out to Dean. He reaches out to him because he needs his big brother. He needs his big brother because he knows he’s screwed up and he needs help.
This is what defines Sam. His ability to forgive is absolutely incredible. This is really the first instance where we really see it, though. It doesn’t matter that the voicemail wasn’t real. Because Sam believed it was real. And Sam forgave Dean for that. Hell, Sam probably told himself, “I’m the one that needs to be forgiven. He was right, after all.”
Then they’re put on that airplane and the demon blood is wiped from Sam’s system. He’s free to feel all the guilt and feel none of the effects that let him make excuses. It’s only him and his mistakes. In Sympathy for the Devil, we see a lot of how the different character react to Lucifer being free. We see Dean’s anger. We see Sam’s complete and overpowering guilt. We see Bobby (who is possessed at the time, unbeknownst to Sam or the audience) tell Sam to “lose his number.” And we see Sam just take it. It is obviously breaking him, but he just accepts it.
It doesn’t matter that Bobby is possessed because Sam believed it was Bobby. He really believed that Bobby, a man who has been a father figure for him most of his life, is telling him that he never wants to see Sam again after they fix things. The worst part is Sam doesn’t believe he’s wrong to want that. Sam decides to make things easier for him. He leaves to make things easier for Bobby.
Throughout the rest of the episode and into the next, we see a Sam that is desperately trying to regain Dean’s trust. All the while believe he doesn’t really deserve it despite wanting it. And then he finally breaks. Because he sees that he is still addicted to the blood even when he sees everything that has happened. And that? It makes him sick.
So he tries to get out. But it’s not the same as Stanford. He’s not leaving to try and have a normal life. He’s leaving because he doesn’t trust himself. He’s leaving not because he wants to stop hunting, but because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone else.
He says it himself – that last time was different because this time he knows he’s a freak. See the word he uses there? Freak. Again. It’s the word that just keeps coming up in Sam’s life.
Now I’m going to talk about Jess for a minute. Because, frankly, I like talking about her and I think Free to Be You and Me proves just how important she was to Sam. Because it’s been four years since Jess died (…if I did the math right, so it might be longer than that). Four years and Sam dreams about her and doesn’t question it.
We saw so little of Jess, but it is so completely obvious that she was it for Sam. He might have fallen in love with others, but I don’t think Sam will ever let himself love anyone like he let himself love Jess. Maybe because he’s afraid of what will happen if he does. But four years later he has a dream about her and he is still so completely and obviously in love with her.
Of course, it wasn’t Jess at all but Lucifer.
Can you imagine how hard it must have been for Sam to be told that he is the vessel of Satan? Sam, who has been called a freak his entire life. Sam, who wants nothing more than to do good. Sam, who just wants to help people and do the right thing.
But what’s the first thing he does? He calls Dean. He tries to go back to Dean – tries to figure out a way to stop Lucifer because if he’s Lucifer’s vessel, then that means he can stop Lucifer. Because Lucifer needs his consent.
To Sam? Finding out he was the vessel of Lucifer probably felt like a curse and a blessing all rolled up into one. Because even if it meant everyone was right and he was a freak and was just a boy with the demon blood, he could still stop Lucifer. He could stop Lucifer from hurting people as long as he kept saying no.
Even after Sam and Dean join up again, Sam still struggles. He still struggles with who he is now and whether he will be able to fend off Lucifer and keep saying no. He keeps trying to find other ways to stop the Apocalypse. Hell, in Changing Channels he’s the one that wants to ask Gabriel for help. Even though the last time he saw the Trickster was back in Mystery Spot. Even though Sam should have every reason to want to kill the Trickster, Dean is the one that wants to kill him and move on. Sam wants to ask him for help.
The entire season is filled with Sam exceeding people’s expectations. He shocks the hunters when he spits out the demon blood. He gets through to Jesse when no one else can. He beats the 900 year old witch at cards when Bobby and Dean are sure he can’t. He uses the demon blood not to do what Famine wants him to do, but to incapacitate a horseman. He shows faith when no one else can.
There are a few episodes that I really want to talk about in depth from this season. Those episodes are The Song Remains the Same, My Bloody Valentine, Dark Side of the Moon, 99 Problems, and Point of No Return.
We’ll go chronologically and start with Song Remains the Same. This episode, despite having a definite focus on Dean, does a lot in terms of development for Sam. This is the first time Sam has ever seen his mother except for when he saw her ghost in Home and when Azazel showed him the night she died in All Hell Breaks Loose. It’s the first time Sam really sees the Mary that Dean remembers.
And that shows. When he sees Mary, he completely freezes. All he can do is stare and all he can say is “you’re so beautiful.” Can you imagine what that must have been like for Sam? How simultaneously freeing and painful it must have been to be able to see his parents again? To be able to see his mother and be able to have at least one memory of her being alive? To be able to apologise to John for everything even if he wasn’t aware that he was the one Sam was apologising to? And to know that it would be his last memory of either of them?
In My Bloody Valentine, we see just how strong Sam is. A lot of people might try to argue that Sam drinking demon blood again – despite not being his fault in the slightest – still showed weakness. I disagree. Because when he was facing down Famine and Famine was telling him to drink down the dozens of demons around him, Sam didn’t do what Famine wanted. In fact, he used the demon blood he already drank to incapacitate Famine. He used it once again to protect people.
Even before this, we see how scared Sam is. We see how much he just doesn’t want to succumb to Famine. He makes them lock him up, for God’s sake. Sam tries so hard not to fail, not to make the same mistake again. And even when he fails and ends up drinking the demon blood, he doesn’t let it control him. He still does something that is so classically Sam and is so obviously tortured about it afterwards.
This, to me, is really the moment where we should have realised how it would end. We should have seen this and realised that Sam would really be able to do whatever it took to beat Lucifer and stop the Apocalypse.
And then we get to Dark Side of the Moon. I apologise to those who are reading this and actually follow me because you have probably heard my thoughts on this episode before. So many people condemn Sam for how his Heaven is portrayed in this episode. They try to use it as evidence for why Dean cares about Sam more than Sam cares about Dean.
But that’s just not right.
I’m sure those memories were some of Sam’s most enjoyable memories from childhood. After all, he only ever wanted to be normal and those were some of the only times that he really got that. But it is so obvious that it was angels manipulating his Heaven to try and get Dean to say yes.
Zachariah has proved over and over that he knows that to get to Dean, he has to use Sam. This was just another example of that. They were on the angel’s turf. Do you really think that Zachariah wouldn’t take advantage of that? That he didn’t let Sam and Dean run around Heaven for as long as they did to try and create tension?
Because those might have been happy memories for Sam, but at this point? Sam knew there was no going back to that. He knew that there was no chance at “normal” for him. I mean, come on. When Dean tells him they’re in Heaven, what does Sam say? He says, “You, I get. But me? In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve done some things.” Sam doesn’t believe he deserves to be in Heaven. He doesn’t think he has any chance of that.
So those memories? They were not by any means what Sam’s actual Heaven will look like. All you have to do is look at Swan Song (which I’ll get to later) to see that as truth. Even just by looking at this episode it’s obvious. Sam seems genuinely surprised by a lot of the memories he sees. Ash all but says Sam and Dean are soulmates. If Sam and Dean are really supposed to share a Heaven, do you think that there Heavens are going to be different? I don’t think so.
Then they find out that God isn’t going to help them. And Cas loses hope. Dean loses hope. The only one who still is sure that they’ll find another way is Sam. Sam, who has had the most unshaking faith in God out of anyone, is the one who doesn’t let it faze him that God has abandoned them.
But Dean doesn’t listen and throws away the amulet. The amulet that Sam gave him, that he wore every day since Sam gave it to him and that he wanted back from Cas even when he and Sam had gone their separate ways. Most people I have talked to hold the same belief I have – that Sam picked the amulet out of the trash. Those of us that don’t believe that tend to think those of us who do choose to believe this are just trying to be optimistic. That we are unwilling to let go of the amulet so we say Sam picked it up because we can’t accept an alternative.
But that’s just not true. Because there is no way in hell that Sam would have left that amulet there. Dean may have given up hope in stopping the Apocalypse and lost faith in Sam, but Sam never lost faith in Dean. The amulet meant something to both of them – not just to Dean. Sam saw his brother wear that amulet every day for most of his life. The first time Sam really sees it on anyone but Dean (sans the shapeshifter) is when he takes it off his body after Dean dies. Then Sam wears it for the four months that Dean is dead. For four months, it is the only thing he has of his brother.
Dean, Bobby, Cas…they have all lost faith and are just waiting for the end in some way. Sam still believed in what they could do. He still believed that they could stop it. And he didn’t believe that because he thought he could stop it. He believed in his family. He believed in Bobby and Cas and in his brother. He believed that they could stop the Apocalypse. He believed in what that amulet stood for. Because he could understand Dean losing faith in him. He could understand that. But that amulet was more than just Dean’s. It belonged to both of them.
The next episode only continues to show how Sam is the only one left that has hope that they can stop things. Dean starts to believe that the only way to save people is to say yes to Michael. Cas has completely lost faith in himself, in his Father, and in the Winchesters. But Sam is still there. He’s trying to pull Dean along and show him there’s still hope. He’s trying to coax Cas into helping them and give him some faith back.
But it’s no use. Because even though they kill the Whore of Babylon, Dean drives off to say yes to Michael.
And still Sam does not give up. This is something that has come to define Sam. He is defined by his faith in his family. After realising how stupid it was not to trust Dean and have faith in him back in season four, Sam realises that he has to have faith in his family. He has to believe that Dean is strong enough to do the right thing. He has to believe that Castiel is strong enough to go down the right path and not turn back to the angels. He has to believe that Bobby is strong enough to help them stop the Apocalypse despite not having his legs.
Sam has all this faith in everyone.
But no one has faith in him.
I admit to having a bias in concerns to Point of No Return. It is one of my absolute favourite episodes. So maybe it is because of this bias, but I am going to be talking about this episode rather in-depth. But this episode is, arguably, one of the best episodes in terms of character development. Especially for Sam.
When Sam finds Dean in the motel room with a box of every item he cares about in the world, he is calm. He only breaks this calm once. Is it when Dean is so ready to kill himself? Is it when Dean makes a jab about demon blood? No. It’s when Dean says, “All you’ve ever done is run away.” Sam tells him, “And I was wrong! Every single time I did.”
What is so striking about this is that it is really the first time Sam ever really apologises for leaving. I think, up until seeing Dean’s reaction in Heaven, Sam had never quite realised just how much his leaving affected Dean. Because Sam has always been under the impression that Dean doesn’t really need Sam (of course, he makes himself believe this because all he wants for Dean is independence and he doesn’t want to believe that Dean’s well-being is dependent on him).
When Adam is resurrected, it just gives Sam more to worry about. He is already worried about Dean going off to commit suicide by saying yes to Michael. He has another argumentative, stubborn brother with a bad-attitude to try and convince – with very little evidence to convince him. He tries to convince them both to give him more time.
Sam is so alone in this episode. Even though Bobby and Cas are helping him try to stop Adam and Dean, they don’t really believe that either of them can be stopped. Sam is the only one that really believes everything can turn out okay as long as they have more time.
In this episode, Sam only really wants one thing. He wants everyone to understand. He wants Adam to understand that no matter what he thinks, he’s still family. He wants Dean to understand that saying yes is wrong and it won’t help anything. He wants so desperately for them to understand, but they just won’t listen.
The next scene, where Dean is locked in the panic room, is integral to Sam’s character for a number of reasons. The biggest of which being that it is a parallel back to When the Levee Breaks.
The fact that this scene is a parallel back to that episode just illustrates even further how much Sam and Dean have changed since then. Dean is tired. He’s tired of fighting and just wants to give up which is the complete opposite of how he acted in When the Levee Breaks. He is doing everything he can do try and make Sam let him go.
But Sam resists. He won’t let Dean push him. He won’t let Dean use the people they cared about to get to him through guilt.
Then Dean says it. He says, “I just don’t believe…in you” and “I do know they’re going to find a way to turn you.” He uses every single one of Sam’s worst fears against him. He uses every single one of the flaws that Sam knows he has that he wants to fix. He tells Sam that he’ll say yes to Lucifer eventually.
And here is where the parallel is pushed to the forefront. Because before it was just subtle things – Dean being locked in the panic room, Sam trying to keep him from doing something stupid – but how Sam responds to Dean?
He says, “Don’t say that to me. Not you. Of all people.”
Sam is saying almost the exact same thing as he did when he was hallucinating. When Sam was hallucinating and seeing his brother tell him that Sam is nothing to him, he says, “Don’t you say that to me. Not you.”
For Sam to hear Dean telling him that the reason he was going to say yes to Michael was because he really believed Sam would say yes to Lucifer? For him to hear that his brother really didn’t believe in him? For that hallucination to essentially come true right before his eyes? The hallucination that was the last straw for Sam to kill Lilith?
I cannot even imagine what that must have been like. Because Sam has always turned to Dean. He has always turned to Dean for guidance and advice. Especially since getting back together with Dean. Because Sam doesn’t really trust himself anymore. He doesn’t trust himself to make the right choice because he made the wrong one. So he turns to Dean. And Dean is turning away from him.
But what does Sam do? Does he get angry at Dean? Does he go running? Does he let Dean go say yes to Michael?
No. Sam walks away. He keeps trying to find another way.
The thing about Sam is that he never blames people for not having faith in him. He doesn’t blame Dean for losing faith in him. He might get upset and he might not like it, but he never holds it against anyone. Because Sam doesn’t think it’s unreasonable. He doesn’t think he deserves their faith.
Sam really believes that everyone else is better than him. He says it himself not long after this episode: “You [Dean], Bobby, Cas…I’m the least of any of you.” Sam honestly believes that he is the weak link. He believes that he is a last resort – when there’s no other plan, then he’s the one that will succeed. But only if everyone else has already tried and failed. Sam has so much faith in his family, but he has no faith in himself.
Despite how well he holds himself together, how calm he stays around Dean, he can’t hide how terrified he is from Bobby. Especially when Adam disappears. He’s terrified that he’ll lose one or both of his brothers. He’s terrified that losing them means he’ll do what everyone seems to expect him to do.
Then Cas finds Dean and they take him back to the panic room. When Dean wakes up, he’s handcuffed to the cot and Sam is there. He’s just sitting there, waiting for Dean to wake up.
It’s in this scene that Sam really proves just how much faith he has in Dean. Not only that, but he shows just how well he knows Dean. Because Cas and Bobby don’t want to let Dean come and help. They think it’s a bad idea. They think he’ll use the opportunity to say yes to Michael. Dean tells Sam flat-out that it’s exactly what he’ll do.
But Sam disagrees. However much faith he lacks in himself, he has twice that much faith in his brother. He knows Dean. He tells Dean that he won’t say yes when it comes down to it. That he’ll make the right call.
Even when Dean points out that he didn’t trust Sam, that he wouldn’t trust Sam if something like this happened to him, Sam still wants to bring him. Sam still trusts that Dean won’t say yes. Even when Bobby doesn’t believe Dean will make the right choice (despite having known them for most of their lives), Sam does. Even when Castiel doesn’t believe Dean will make the right choice (despite having literally pieced Dean back together), Sam does. Despite the fact that Dean himself doesn’t believe he’ll make the right choice, Sam does.
It just proves everyone who has ever doubted Sam wrong. It proves that Sam knows Dean better than he knows himself. It proves that Sam loves Dean just as much as Dean loves Sam.
And he asks Sam why. Because he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand how Sam can have so much faith and trust in him.
And Sam says, “Because. You’re still my big brother.”
What always gets me about this line is that Sam makes sure to clarify the fact that Dean is his big brother. Most of the time, Sam and Dean just say “brother.” The fact that Sam chooses to clarify this here is very telling. He’s not just saying that he’s doing it because Dean is family. He’s saying that he is trusting Dean because even though they’re older, he’s still just Dean’s kid brother. He’s still just Sammy that needs Dean to help him do what’s right.
When they get to the warehouse where Adam is, Cas says what we already know. “I don’t have the same faith in you that Sam does.” I think that this line could probably be applied to anyone. Because no one will ever have as much faith in Dean as Sam does. No one will ever possibly believe in him more than his little brother.
He proves this yet again. Sam shows just how much he trusts Dean because he lets Dean go in first. He lets go into a situation that will put him face to face with the person that can make saying yes a certainty and Sam lets him go in first. He trusts Dean enough to go in and set the trap. Sam could just have easily gone in first and found Adam. Dean could have been the one to sneak up on Zachariah.
But Sam trusts Dean to go in first.
Then Zachariah tortures him. He tortures Sam and Adam to get Dean. To give him that one final reason to say yes. And it works. Dean says he’ll do it. He says that Michael can use him as a vessel.
And Sam can see Dean. He can look at his brother and see that Dean really means it. He thinks, “I was wrong.” For what is probably the longest thirty seconds of his life, Sam believes that he’s really going to lose his brother.
Then Dean changes his mind. With one little wink, he’s Dean again. The Dean that is ready to fight until he’s dead. The Dean that will kill anything that hurts his family. The Dean that takes shit from no one. The Dean that is Sam’s big brother.
When they start to head back to Bobby’s, Sam has to ask why. He has to know what changed Dean’s mind because he could see that Dean really meant it. And he needs to know why he changed his mind.
And Dean tells him. He says that it’s because of Sam. That it was because Sam trusted him enough to take him there and didn’t want to let Sam down.
Then Dean tries to apologise and Sam really doesn’t want to hear it. Dean has to push so that Sam will shut up and let him talk. He says, “If you’ve grown up enough to find faith in me, least I can do is return the favour.” That would have meant everything to Sam. To know that his brother was putting his trust in him? It is all Sam has ever wanted.
So Sam and Dean start looking for the Horsemen. Because of Gabriel, they finally have hope. But actually finding a Horsemen isn’t easy and Crowley turns up. This is the first time we really see Sam reacting to Jo and Ellen’s deaths. Up until this point, we haven’t really seen a huge reaction from Sam – only from Dean.
But here Sam is furious and it’s because Crowley is one of the reasons they’re dead. And Sam keeps trying to kill him until Dean stops him so they can hear him out. Then they have to work with him and he tells Sam he can’t come to get the demon that will help them find Pestilence. Sam has to stay behind as Dean and Crowley go up against a powerful demon.
So Sam calls Bobby and tells him what’s going on. He’s drunk and alone and he’s talking to Bobby when he realises just how crazy their plan is. He thinks, how are we going to trick the devil back into hell?
And he remembers when Bobby was possessed. He remembers how Bobby was able to do what they have never heard of before – he was able to take control. And so he asks Bobby. He asks him, “What if you two lead the devil to the box and I jumped in?”
Bobby, of course, freaks out. He tells Sam how stupid he’s being – that the devil is a thousand times different from some low-level demon and that it was a miracle he could do what he did with the demon. And Sam says, “I’m strong enough.” I’m sure most people take this as Sam really saying he’s strong enough to do it. But I don’t believe that for a second.
No. Sam is drunk and he’s angry and he’s worried about Dean. He wants to believe that he’s strong enough. He wants to believe that there’s a chance he can stop everything that, in his mind, he started. But Bobby tells him he isn’t. Bobby starts pointing out how Lucifer will pick at all of Sam’s weaknesses and how he’s got a lot of them.
So Sam says okay. He says he won’t do it unless everyone agrees.
That right there? That’s huge. Because in so many ways, this plan is like the demon blood. It’s so much like that because Sam is willing to do something so inherently not right but for the right reasons. It’s something that will destroy him, but he is willing to do it because it will help others. The difference is that he won’t do it alone. He won’t do it unless everyone else agrees it’s their only choice.
Then Dean and Crowley bring Brady back. And Crowley makes sure Sam knows that he thinks Sam will screw everything up. Dean is telling him that he’s doing this because he trusts Sam. And then he pulls off the hood and Sam sees that the demon they need to interrogate is his best friend from college. The guy that introduced him to Jess.
Unsurprisingly, Dean has to drag him out of the room. Sam is mad. He’s mad because now he knows he never even had a chance at Stanford. He’s mad because Jess was targeted from the moment they met. He’s mad because they are trusting a demon and he’s afraid it will blow up in their faces again.
So he goes to talk to Brady again. Because he needs to know more. He has to know. And he wants to kill Brady, he does.
But he resists.
Again, this is a huge development. Because once again a demon that wants to die is taunting Sam. It’s just like Lilith all over again. But it’s worse because he’s taunting Sam with Jess. Jess, who we saw earlier this season that Sam is unsurprised to still dream about.
Crowley and Dean both expected him to kill Brady. But Sam doesn’t because he knows that they need Brady. So he backs off.
In fact, he only kills Brady once they have the location of Pestilence and he has Dean’s support. Brady is still taunting him and trying to tell Sam that he’s the same as Ruby and Azazel and Brady. But Sam doesn’t let it affect him. All he says is, “Interesting theory.”
Because Sam’s already heard this. He’s already been scared of that. He knows know that as long as he has Dean beside him, he’ll be okay. As long as Dean’s standing by him, Sam can trust himself to know that he’s okay. Because Dean will make sure he’s okay. In fact, Dean looks more hurt by Brady’s words than Sam does. Because Dean’s never been scared of that before. He’s never really considered that Sam is anything other than Sam – even when people have tried to convince him otherwise.
Dean is furious when he hears about Sam’s plan to say yes to Lucifer. Later, Sam calls him out on it. This is what Sam says: “Look, Dean, um…For the record…I agree with you. About me. You think I’m too weak to take on Lucifer. Well, so do I. Believe me, I know exactly how screwed up I am. You, Bobby, Cas…I’m the least of any of you.” He goes on to say that no matter how weak he is, he’s the only chance they have.
Before Dean can reply, Crowley interrupts.
Something remarkable happens when Sam tells Cas about his plan. Castiel supports him. He tells Sam that he and Dean always exceed his expectations. But it comes at a price. Because even though Sam has support from Castiel (which, coming from an angel – no matter how human – would have meant more to Sam than almost anything), he also has to find out that there’s a price because Michael is using Adam as a vessel. So if Sam says yes and fails, then the fight between Michael and Lucifer will happen.
And then there’s the demon blood. Sam would have to drink more demon blood than he had “ever done before,” quoting Cas, just to sustain himself as a vessel. I don’t think many people realise it, but this could actually have been something to dissuade Sam from his plan. Because Sam doesn’t want to drink demon blood. It’s something that he know associates with hurting people. He has been trying to avoid falling off the wagon for the entire season. Hearing that he would have to binge on demon blood could have dissuaded Sam from going through with the plan.
But it doesn’t. Because Sam doesn’t care about himself. He is willing to sacrifice himself, to do whatever it takes to help other people.
What always intrigues me, however, is that Death is the first supernatural creature that we really see have complete and utter faith in Sam. Death, who described humans as being bacterium. He believes that Sam, who sees himself as the least out of most of humanity, is the only person that can stop Lucifer. He actually believes that Sam can beat the devil.
Then Sam gets support from Bobby. In fact, Bobby admits that he and Dean have always been hard on Sam. He admits that they tend to focus on the fact that Sam has a dark side to him rather than seeing just how good he is. And Bobby calls Dean out on why he really doesn’t want Sam to say yes.
And Dean knows he can’t say no anymore. So Dean says he’s in. And Sam asks, “You’re going to let me say yes?” Dean says no, he’s not going to let him do anything. He says that watching out for Sam has been his job – something we know, of course, because of All Hell Breaks Loose. But something Sam never heard. He tells Sam that if anyone can do it, he knows it will be Sam.
Later, Sam will say goodbye to everyone but Dean. He’ll say goodbye to Bobby and Cas, but not Dean. This? This is Dean saying goodbye to Sam. Sam knows it.
The thing is, Sam doesn’t really say goodbye to Dean. He doesn’t hug Dean goodbye like he hugs Bobby. He doesn’t make Dean promise him the same way he makes Cas promise him things (he does make Dean promise him things, of course, but the way he does it isn’t like a goodbye – when he makes Dean promise to leave him in hell and go back to Lisa, they argue like they always do). He never really lets himself say goodbye to Dean. Maybe it’s because he knows Dean won’t let him, Maybe it’s because he can’t let himself.
They get demon blood together – at least four gallons worth. Sam makes sure to say all of his goodbyes before drinking any of it. Because he knows that after he won’t be himself. So he says goodbye to Bobby and he tries to make sure that Dean and Bobby will be looked after (side note: a lot of people try to argue that Sam doesn’t care about Cas as much as others, but the proof to negate this is here – he trusts Cas to take care of his family when he’s gone – Cas who is now human).
The last thing Sam wants to do is drink demon blood. He’s terrified that he’ll hurt someone if he does. He’s terrified that he’ll like it. But he still does it. Because he has to. Because it will help protect people.
But he still asks Dean not to watch. He asks Dean to leave so that his big brother’s last image of him really as him won’t be of him drinking gallons of demon blood. He asks Dean to leave so he doesn’t have to deal with even more guilt.
Then they go to face off against Lucifer. The thing about it is that Dean goes with him. He doesn’t have to. Sam could have gone alone. He could have used the rings himself like he eventually does. But he doesn’t. Dean goes with him. Because Dean needs to be there. Because Sam needs him to be there.
Then they are in front of Lucifer. They are standing in front of the devil and trying to trick him so he doesn’t know Sam will be trying to fight against him. And they find out that he knows. That he knows about their plan, that he knows about the rings.
Dean wants to stop. He wants to back off and find another way.
Sam knows that it doesn’t matter. He half-expected Lucifer to know the truth. He knows that it won’t make what he’s about to do any more difficult than what it was going to be anyway.
So he says yes. And Lucifer takes him as a vessel.
Now Lucifer says that, “I was just messing with you” to Dean. He makes it seem like he was in control from the moment he stood up.
I disagree.
Because just like in Born Under A Bad Sign, there is no way he could have acted that much like Sam. We can see the moment Sam is pushed back and Lucifer takes over. We can see that one minute it was Sam standing there and the next it was Lucifer.
Despite what Lucifer says about not lying, he is not the devil for nothing. He manipulates. He twists the truth around to suit his purpose and to get at others. He tells Dean that “Sammy’s long gone” so that Dean won’t come after him. So that he can use the fact that Dean is still alive against Sam. So that Sam won’t have a reason to fight.
Sam is still trying to fight, though. Lucifer lets Sam out enough to talk. He wants to give Sam reason to just give in. I really think that in some way, Lucifer really does care about Sam. He puts so much effort into trying to get Sam to agree. Into getting him to understand. I really think that Lucifer feels like he and Sam are the same. That Sam really was always going to end up with Lucifer.
The problem is, Lucifer doesn’t understand Sam or Dean.
He thinks that taunting Sam with his past will get Sam to give in. He thinks the knowledge that he’s been pulled around his whole life will make Sam see that Lucifer is the same as him. He doesn’t know that it will just distance Sam from him. Because he thinks that Sam is like him, he thinks that deep down Sam wants the same things that he does.
The thing is, that deep down Lucifer is the one that is more like Sam. Because Lucifer is the one that tries to get Michael not to fight. Lucifer is the one that tries to stop from killing his brother. He’s the one that is trying to stop things. He only gets ready to fight Michael when his big brother calls him a monster. The last straw is his brother calling him a monster, just like it was a year before for Sam.
Then Dean comes in. Dean and the Impala break up the fight. Dean comes and stands between two archangels.
Lucifer tells Dean that Sam is aware of what is happening. He says that Sam is aware of Lucifer beating up his brother and killing Bobby and Castiel. He says that Sam is going to be aware of Dean dying at his hand.
Then Lucifer’s eye catches on the glare of the Impala and on the toy soldier in the ashtray. Sam remembers everything. Everything that is important to him. He remembers Dean. He remembers all the little moments over the years.
Sam is able to beat Lucifer because of Dean. He is able to beat back the devil because Lucifer is killing his brother and Sam has to save him. He is able to beat Lucifer because his brother needs him. In the end, it’s not Sam’s desire to protect everyone else that helps him to save the world. It’s not his inherent desire to protect innocent people.
He beats the devil because he loves his brother. Sam beats Lucifer because he loves his brother and he can’t watch Dean die.
This is why I can never understand how anyone can really believe that Sam doesn’t love Dean as much as Dean loves Sam. Sam beat Satan himself to save Dean. He jumped into hell to save the world and as he was jumping he was telling Dean that everything was going to be okay. He was about to die, and he did so thinking about his brother. He wasn’t thinking about himself – about the kind of eternity he was going to have. He was thinking of Dean.
Of course, it doesn’t end there. Because Sam is brought back. But he’s brought back without a soul. For the first half of seasons six, we have this strange situation where we see a Sam who isn’t really Sam. Because Sam without his soul is a Sam that doesn’t care about people. It’s a Sam that doesn’t do what he does to protect people, but to kill things.
It’s a Sam who isn’t Sam.
And yet, despite that, Sam without a soul still tries to be like Sam. He knows that something is wrong with him. He knows that things are not right. When he eventually does join back up with Dean, he does his best to make sure that Dean thinks he’s okay. Maybe that’s because he doesn’t want to find out what’s wrong with him, because he thinks that even though he’s different now he’s better.
I’m more inclined to think that even though he didn’t have a soul and even though he didn’t really care about Dean, he knew he was supposed to. He knew that he was supposed to care about Dean and try to make sure he was okay, so he did his best to do that.
The thing is that people always say even without a soul, Sam should have known better. He shouldn’t have done some of the things he did because even if he didn’t have a soul, he still knew what was wrong and what was right.
But that’s the thing. He didn’t care because he didn’t have a soul. He didn’t care if what he was doing was wrong or right. He wasn’t trying to do the right thing. He was doing what had to be done by any means necessary.
Then he gets his soul back and remembers nothing. And Dean won’t tell him. Bobby is acting distant. So he goes to Cas.
Let me be frank about what I say next – I did not think of this. This theory as to why Sam does not hug Castiel is not mine, but is what I really honestly believe. If you are the originator of that post, let me know so I can credit you.
The reason that Sam didn’t hug Cas when he hugged everyone else was not because “it would be awkward.” It’s because Sam was about to use Cas and it would have felt wrong for him to hug him.
For the rest of the season, Sam has to deal with the fallout from being soulless. He has to bear the guilt of knowing that he did horrible things, but if he knows what he did and tries to make things right it will hurt him. And he wants to do it anyway. Dean is the only reason he doesn’t.
Now I’m not going to spend a lot of time discussing what happened with Castiel and Crowley. Because frankly, Sam is not the one who needs to be analysed or defended in that scenario and if I were to write about it, it would drift away from him.
I will say that Sam (and Dean) were not upset that Castiel was working with Crowley. They were upset that he was making the same mistake they did despite knowing he was doing what Sam and Dean and Bobby had done and what had happened because of it. I will say that despite everything, Sam forgave Castiel. Sam was able to understand why Castiel did what he did and forgave him for it. More than that, he actively reached out to Castiel. He made sure that Castiel understood that even if Dean and Bobby were angry with him and thought he was beyond help, Sam believed he could still fix things if he came back.
Much of what happens to Sam in the beginning of season seven is self-explanatory. It doesn’t need to be analysed.
I do want to talk a little bit about how Sam deals with seeing Lucifer. Because ever since Sam implied that he was okay, a lot of people have mentioned that it was out of character for Sam to say that.
But it isn’t. Sam doesn’t look at things the way we do. When he sees or hears Lucifer, he doesn’t think he has it that bad because he can tell when it isn’t real. He can tell when he’s just hallucinating and it just makes him think of all the people that can’t tell that. All of the people locked up in psych wards or hospitals because they don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. He thinks of Adam still being trapped down there and basically no hope of getting out.
It’s just Sam thinking less of himself as usual. Because Sam is always going to think that someone has it worse. Even now when Sam is still seeing and hearing Lucifer and needs to make sure Bobby being shot and dying is actually real, he’s still more worried about Dean than he is about himself. He’s still more worried about how Dean is dealing with things.
That’s just who Sam is. He is always going to put other people first. He is always going to think about Dean and Bobby and Cas and random strangers before he thinks about himself. Because even though he might do selfish and stupid things sometimes, at his core, Sam is selfless.
And that, my friends, is why Sam Winchester is and will always be better than any of us.
